Do you know the number 1 reason why you keep having failed relationships? Seriously, have you sat down and examined all your failed relationships to know the major cause of those failures? Many people identify the wrong reasons why their relationships never work out.
They blame it on lack of communication, incompatibility, irreconcilable differences and all that crap but these are not the major reasons why you keep having failed relationships.
If you dive deep into the real cause of your failed relationships, you’ll realize that it was unconsciously your fault; you didn’t know when or how you did it but you did something wrong to make your relationship go sour.
Here’s a little story to illustrate what I’m talking about. (Incidentally, this story is actually based on the experiences of a client of mine but I’ve changed her name to protect her privacy.)
This woman – we’ll call her Lisa – has been seeing her boyfriend for the past 6 months. They are in love, and are committed to one another. Although they’ve made no plans to get married or anything of the sort, Lisa’s boyfriend has shown her that he loves her many times over in the way that he acts around her, and the things he does for her.
They live together in a small one-bedroom apartment, and are quite happy. Lisa’s mother and father, however, are not so impressed. Lisa’s mother wants to see her daughter happily married with a ring on her finger … and hopefully, with a kid or two before she meets with her creator.
Lisa’s father doesn’t care too much about the wedding, but he ‘knows what men are like’ and wants to make sure that this guy is REALLY as committed to Lisa as he says he is.
One day, over Sunday lunch, Lisa’s parents sit her down and ask her when she’s going to be getting married. They tell her that a verbal commitment is NOT the same thing as a SHOW of commitment (i.e. a ring). And that, as they have always said, ‘actions speak louder than words’… so when will they be setting a date?
At first, Lisa brushes their questions off. After all, she and her partner are happily in love, and she knows he wants to be with her. As far as she is concerned, people are together because they want to be, not because they have to be.
But if that’s the case (says her mother), if he’s so sure he wants to be with her, why doesn’t he want to get married? Really, he should be thinking about what she wants, not just what he wants and Lisa has wanted to get married ever since she was a little girl.
Lisa goes home that day in a pensive mood. Her parents have introduced an element of doubt into her otherwise happy life.
Here’s what is going through her mind…
If he did want to be with her, shouldn’t he care about what she wants enough to ask her to marry him? Could it be possible that he’s not actually, quite sure about her and that he might possibly just be biding his time and seeing if anything else comes along?
And that phrase of her mother’s keeps ringing in her mind, “actions speak louder than words”. Before you know it, Lisa’s sense of security in her own relationship has been compromised.
She is worried and unhappy – and, worse, afraid to talk to her partner about how she truly feels (probably because part of her knows just how ridiculous those fears really are.)
Lisa ends up putting pressure on her partner about his intentions. She didn’t mean to, but the pressure from her parents began to get to her.
And as is so often the case in these scenarios – her fears created a self-fulfilling prophecy. She was afraid that her boyfriend might be ‘stringing her along’ with no intention of staying around for the long haul.
So, she began to act paranoid, needy, and insecure, constantly asking for reassurances and proof that he would not be leaving her. This made her partner feel pressured and unhappy which led to more insecurity from Lisa causing more paranoia, neediness more unhappiness.
Finally, Lisa’s partner couldn’t take it anymore. The Lisa he loved was happy, confident, secure – not this weepy, needy, insecure, demanding woman that she’d turned into. He packed up all his stuff, moved out of their apartment, and told Lisa he was ending it.
The Number 1 Reason Why You Keep Having Failed Relationships
Did you guess the real reason for their breakup? it wasn’t Lisa’s impatience, neediness or insecurity; all these were just secondary reasons… The real reason why her relationship failed was because she listened to the wrong people – her parents!
And that’s the number 1 reason why you keep having failed relationships; you listen to the wrong people. The moment she allowed her parents to influence her thoughts, her relationship was already in danger.
Here’s the REALLY sad part…
If she had listened to her OWN instincts and beliefs about her own relationship, instead of allowing other people’s opinions to influence the course of her relationship and life, there is a very good chance that she would have been married by now. At the very least, she and her partner would very likely still be together.
The lesson in this little story is as follows: if you want to be genuinely successful with men (and, in fact, with life in general), you must learn to create your own ‘frames’ for your relationships. Otherwise, your actions will forever be influenced by other people’s opinions and you’ll be far less likely to act appropriately to your own situation.
What is a frame?
A frame is basically a context, or a focus for your thoughts and actions. It’s like a picture frame for your life: just as a picture frame provides boundaries for the image seen within.
A frame provides your life with limitations and can also open up all sorts of possibilities. It all depends on the frame that you choose to operate out of.
For example, in Lisa’s case, her parents framed her relationship in the context of her partner being a ‘typical man’ who was probably out to just get what he could from Lisa without taking her needs into account. They had framed him as a selfish man who was not to be trusted.
Unfortunately for Lisa, her own ‘frame’ (although much more positive) was also much weaker than her parents’ frame. She allowed their frame of her relationship to define and change the parameters of her own frame – even though it was for her own relationship!
She allowed her parents to re-frame her relationship for her. This is the reason why it ended badly: because Lisa allowed her perceptions, interpretations, and reactions to her relationship to be re-framed by somebody else much less qualified than herself to do so.
My honest advice is “DON’T EVER LISTEN TO THE WRONG PEOPLE.”
I really cannot stress this enough: if you want to be successful in life and love, you must be capable of framing your own relationships and experiences for yourself.
What this means is that you must put more energy into controlling your own relationships and your own perceptions, based on what you know. Yours is the opinion that is the most important, because you are the person who knows what is best for you.
Think of it this way: if Lisa had been a strong, confident woman, who was capable of maintaining her own relationship frame based on her own perceptions, she would have been able to comfortably listen to her parents’ attempt to negatively re-frame her relationship for her.
Then, she would have thanked them for sharing and returned to the comfort of her own home … All without turning a hair.
Of course, that’s not to say that you shouldn’t take people’s advice or follow anybody else’s opinion as truth. Instead, I’m saying that you should always run new ideas past your own internal Opinion-Generating Machine before you ACT on those ideas.
Follow somebody’s advice blindly, and you are setting yourself up for pure, unmitigated DISASTER.
Just remember this: the person with the most confidence always wins. The person with the strongest frame always wins. If Lisa had replied to her parents with a confident, “yes, and isn’t it great that I’m so happy and secure in my relationship that I don’t need a ring to feel safe?” They would have been, initially, surprised … And then (I’ll bet money on it) actually happy for her.
Let me tell you this: re-framing isn’t always a bad thing. It is entirely possible to positively re-frame an experience and thus feel better about what could have been seen as a ‘bad’ thing for you.
But, you must be capable of comparing everybody else’s frames on your experiences to your own personal opinion and your own personal frame.
Don’t just swallow them hook, line, and sinker or else you’ll never have your own opinion, you’ll always be at the mercy of other people’s frames, and (of course) most people will not perceive you as attractive …
Because there is nothing attractive about a weak, needy, and insecure woman! When you listen to your own voice, and your own opinions, you’re much more likely to attract somebody who is a good ‘fit’ for YOU into your life.
There are so many ways to get the committed relationship you have always dreamed of even if you’ve had countless failed relationships. Maybe you already had it and didn’t know!