12 Things I Wish I Knew Before I Ever Gave a B-J

Bad news first: Blow jobs are always a little bit intimidating. Thrusting your face at a penis is hard sometimes — pun intended, obviously. But it’s especially nerve-wracking the very first time you do it. Just like you were probably a little nervous the first time you tried some wild new food, it can be scary to put something brand new in your mouth.

But now the good news! Other people have literally already been there, done that, and can help you get over your own pre-BJ woes. Whether you’re preparing for your first for thousandth blow job, there are always new lessons to be learned. Especially when it comes to dick-in-mouth. Here are 21 pieces of sage guidance that all grown women wish they’d known before giving their first blow jobs.

1. He’s paying less attention to what your face looks like than you think he is.

Have you ever seen anyone eat a really big popsicle? Like, put their whole dang mouth around it (which, ouch, brain freeze)? It’s not a pretty sight! Very few people in this world look their absolute best with their mouth stretch to its full capacity. Don’t put more pressure on this already precarious situation by thinking you have to look like a beautiful goddess while hoisting a penis into your mouth. What matters most to everyone involved is how this thing feels.

2. And speaking of that: It probably feels nothing at all like you think it does. Unless you also have a penis and have received a blow job before, the best you can do is merely speculate what getting one feels like. All you need to know is that men tend to describe them favorably, or as one guy eloquently puts it: “If sex is putting your penis in a wet, unplugged vacuum … a blow job is plugging that vacuum in.” So put all those worries that it doesn’t feel good out of your mind. Assuredly, he’s into it.

3. You can literally ask the guy what he wants. Before your mouth is, ahem, occupied, use it to ask questions.

Does he want you to get your hands involved? Does he want to lie down on his back or stand up? Does he prefer lots of noises, or nah? Asking questions and getting answers is not only a fun way to get ~in the mood~, but it can help put any concerns or anxieties you have at ease.

4. A penis doesn’t have eyeballs and can’t tell the difference between the back of a throat and the roof of a mouth.

All those slimy surfaces on the inside of your mouth basically just all feel the same. Except your teeth, obviously. I don’t have a penis so I don’t personally get the appeal of “deep-throating,” but (gently) ramming the tip of his dick into the roof of your mouth feels like the same thing and it doesn’t make you gag.

5. Anyone who DEMANDS a blow job is almost certainly not worth a moment of your time.

Yeah, this should go without saying, but I’m gonna say it anyway. No one should ever demand or force any sexual act from you, and this goes for blow jobs, too. Some men have this (wrong, completely bogus) idea in their head that they deserve oral sex. LOL, no. If anyone ever says they require a blow job, feel free to say you require hooking up with people who aren’t dickheads.

6. It isn’t a fancy massage at a spa and therefore doesn’t have to be all about him.

You ever heard of something called “sensate focus?” It’s a sex therapy technique in which you focus on touch and the physical pleasure it brings you, and you can totally use it to ease blow job-anxiety or just ~mix it up~ a little. Basically. instead of doing what you think you’re supposed to do to make him feel great, employ blow job techniques that feel fun ‘n exciting to you. Oral sex doesn’t have to be as one-sided as its reputation says it should be.

7. A penis isn’t a vagina or a Slip’N Slide and doesn’t just get wet on its own.

I mean there’s pre-cum, but that’s like a light rain shower when a proper BJ usually requires a torrential downpour. Either get some lube that doesn’t taste like a takeout bag, or drink some water and be prepared to use all the spit you can muster. It’s not gross. This is someone you make out with (probably).

8. You do not have to bow down before his erect penis like it’s royalty.

In movies and TV shows and whatever else, the only BJ position ever depicted is a woman on her knees, bobbing her head back and forth while a man stands up like a statuesque Greek god. This is so rare IRL! You don’t have to invest in knee pads, like Stephanie from seventh grade said you would! Stephanie lied to you. Just get on the bed and do it lying down. It’s COMFIER.

9. You don’t have to swallow and then giggle and say, “OMG, it’s so fun to swallow your hot steamy cum, I really love it a lot!”

Also, you just don’t have to swallow at all. The man whose dick you’re sucking is not going to scream and holler at you if you demurely dispose of his cum into a napkin or cup or something. He might get a little upset if you spit it directly onto his face, but that’s really just between the two of you.

10. Your hands can pinch hit when your mouth needs some time on the bench.

The average penis is 5.17 inches (when hard). I haven’t measured the inside of my mouth, but I am pretty damn sure there aren’t 5.17 inches of space between my lips and the back of my throat. And no way do I recommend going for broke and shoving a penis down your esophagus. Let your hands help. Put the tip in your mouth and your hands around the base, and voilà. This is within the acceptable rules of play.

11. You’re not going to accidentally bite down on his penis with your teeth and sever it and leave him sterile for the rest of his life.

There are an inordinate number of horror stories about women who accidentally use their teeth during a BJ and, like, skin the guy’s dick with their razor molars or something. Teeth should not be the big concern. I feel like they kind of just disappear when this whole act starts, IDK.

12. Sometimes a penis doesn’t smell good and that’s because some men are disgusting.

I don’t think anyone expects a hard penis to smell like Chanel perfume or strawberry Lipsmackers or whatever (although OMG, they should) but some guys are less clean than others. Also. People sweat more in the summertime. Consider this. The crotch area is not free of sweat glands. Personally, I don’t think it’s rude to kindly suggest a sexy shower together beforehand.

13. Penises that look small and non-menacing sometimes feel like novelty-sized pool noodles when they are inside of your mouth.

Oh, it looked like a pinky finger from afar, but now that it’s in your mouth, it’s like one of those little toys that grows when you put it in water. What’s happening in there? Who knows. Maybe we’re all overestimating the size of our mouth holes.

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